Necessity of Faith in Decision Making

Give me your eyes for just one second

Give me your eyes so I can see--everything that I keep missing

Give me your love for humanity

Give me your arms for the broken hearted

The ones that are far beyond my reach

Give me your heart for the ones forgotten

Give me your eyes so I can see

These are lyrics from the song “Give Me Your Eyes,” by Brandon Heath, but lately they have become a personal mantra and prayer for me. Learning to embrace my spirituality, again, and walk through this experience holding His hand has been absolutely essential.

I am lucky to have found an accepting and engaging community here that makes that extremely easy, but sometimes in the classroom I really struggle with how all of these things intersect.

One thing that I have definitely learned, or has been reaffirmed, is that prayer is extremely powerful.

Last Tuesday I had one of my best days in the classroom. I actually felt like a teacher, because I felt like the kids were actually learning. There were no behavioral issues, and the kids all walked away knowing the material. I was on top of the world. That morning, instead of tweaking my lesson plan or pre-planning for a later lesson plan, I took time for myself on the bus. I listened to some of my favorite songs, reflected on my time thus far in the classroom, and prayed for my kids.

After things went so smoothly on Tuesday, I accredited my success to my growth as a teacher. Instead of truly reflecting on what had created that change. The following Thursday, I didn’t take that time on the bus, and class was an absolute disaster. It wasn’t until things fell apart again, that I took time to realize what I had/hadn’t done differently. It wasn’t until I started to struggle again that I turned back to Him and reflection. It truly taught me how essential that time of prayer is, both in joy and in struggle.

What if there was no light

Nothing wrong, nothing right

What if there was no time—and no reason or rhyme.

What if you should decide that you don’t want me there by your side.

That you don’t want me there in your life.

What if I got it wrong.

And no poet or song—could put right what I got wrong

Or make you feel I belong.

What if you should decide that you don’t want me there by your side.

That you don’t want me there in your life.

Every step that you take, could be your biggest mistake.

It could bend or it could break.

But that’s the risk that you take.

What if you should decide that you don’t want me there in your life.

That you don’t want me there by your side.

--What If, Coldplay

For me, these lyrics from Coldplay describe the fear and challenge that lies in front of me when I try to do things on my own. It is essential to remember that I didn’t get where I am today without the support of my family, and also through the strength I found in my faith. I especially love the part about risks and mistakes. I was told that a Teacher makes 1200 decisions a day. I have studied decision making a lot as a political science major, and I have seen how important decisions are in the outcome of events. To think that I have the power to make or break a classroom culture, and a child’s ability to learn and master the information, is frightening. But, in this case I literally did sign up for it. It is so critical that I learn to accept risk, and find the strength to take each step—realizing the potential that lies in it. That is something I can’t do on my own.

“I’ll go, but I cant go alone, because I know that I’m nothing on my own […] because when I’m weak--you make me strong, when I’m blind—you shine your light on me. Because I’ll never get by living on my own ability. How refreshing to know you don’t need me, how amazing to find that you want me. So ill stand on your truth and I’ll fight with your strength.” Casting Crowns, In Me

p.s. sorry about all the lyrics—I also find a lot of strength and reflection in music. Most songwriters are much better with words than I am.

Snapshot of HOPE and CHANGE

After four weeks, I feel that it might be appropriate to give you a snapshot of my classroom, and the students who I have fallen in love with for their strengths and challenges.

When people have been asking me what it is like to be a teacher, I have been responding that I am not yet a teacher. I am more of a “manager.” I think this is the case for most new teachers. In order for students to truly be able to learn, a classroom has to be under control. Learning cannot happen without active engagement and limited disruptions. This has been the most trying part of this experience. It has been hard to find the appropriate way to show my students the balance between how much I love and care for them and how much I won’t compromise because they need to learn to challenge themselves. Sometimes, I think the latter creates a mindset of  “why are you picking on me,” “why are you so mean to me.”

I have seen this in one of my students. She is brilliant (all my students are), yet she doesn’t always have the work ethic she is going to need later in life to truly succeed at the level she deserves. She also buckles under peer pressure and often wants to be seen as “cool” instead of “smart.” The hard thing has been convincing her that “cool” is “smart.” I think I probably push her harder than anyone in the class. We often have 1-1 conversations about where she is performing, and where my expectations are. It is helpful that she knows how smart she is, so she knows that her expectations for herself should be higher. Also, I think she understands that I know she is smart and that I believe in her, but sometimes that is not enough. I am struggling to find ways to truly excite in her the joy of learning. The other day she told me, “Ms. Clayton, you always get so excited, its embarrassing.” Now, I don’t think she completely meant this, but to me it showed that she doesn’t see the complete joy in education, yet. Then—after one of our talks, I noticed she was more actively participating in class, so I wrote her a little note “You’re participating! YAY! Can you tell I’m excited J.” She proceeded to show that note to all of her teachers that day. I take that as a sign that she is beginning to understand what is at stake, and with recognition she is starting to raise her own expectations.

I have one student who embraces education and learning. She is truly incredible, reading at a 6^th-7^th grade level and performing extremely high in math. She constantly challenges herself, for example I asked the students to use our spelling words to make sentences and she asked if she could write a poem! Yet, she is extremely soft spoken. From Day One, I realized that she didn’t have the confidence to stand up and speak up in class. So, during the first week I wrote her a note, complimenting her on her hard work in class and telling her that she has a lot to be really proud of so she shouldn’t be afraid to speak up LOUD and PROUD in class. Last week in class, we were learning chants to “roll our multiplication” numbers. We asked for student volunteers to come and lead the class in the chant. I was beaming when I saw her hand shoot up, and she came to the front of the room and shouted “CLASS,” “DUKES UP!” “CARVER RAMS GOOD AS GOLD LET ME SEE YOUR FINGERS ROLL.” I am not sure if she noticed just how excited I was to see her confidence sky rocket, but she has been noticeably more outspoken in class ever since.

The last thing that I want to touch on, for this post at least, is my student that I referred to as Timon previously. He is our lowest performing student in literacy, at the beginning of the summer he was reading at about a second grade level. But, he is one of the highest performing students in math, usually getting to start his homework early in math because he finishes his work so far ahead of the rest of the class. I had often wondered about the disconnect between the two subjects. Wednesday of last week I gave a sort of “pre-test” to the spelling test the students have on Fridays. I created sentences and they filled in the blank with the word, pretty standard procedure. I graded their work and handed it back, asking them to work on the words that they had missed. Timon hadn’t done horribly on the assignment, but he did have a few words he needed to work on. As I was giving the test on Friday, I chose to use the same sentences so the kids would understand the context. I was probably on about the third sentence and was walking around the room. As I passed by Timon’s desk, I noticed that he was all the way down on the 10^th word. I looked around the area, thinking perhaps he was looking at a sheet of paper or something—but then realized that he was doing it all from memory. He has the most incredibly photographic memory that I have ever watched in action. I was absolutely amazed, and really I still am. It also seriously helped to explain the disconnect between reading and math comprehension. A photographic memory like that is extremely helpful when thinking about steps and formulas for math, but doesn’t really help when you are trying to pull out key points from an entire story.

As you can see, I have some pretty stellar students. Like every human they have challenges, but they also have pretty incredible ways of overcoming them. I learn more from them everyday than they probably realize, and I am so blessed to teach the kids in Room 17. 

This quote was given to me by my friend Stewart when I embarked on my journey in Haiti this past January. Although my purpose in TFA is quite different than the calling I heard during my three weeks in Haiti, I have found a lot of comfort and strength in these words the past week. I would say that at the end of this week I had that breaking point, the "what am I doing here--it feels like everything is going wrong" feeling. In reading this beautiful words, I was reminded of my purpose. I think that in sharing this with you, it perhaps provides more depth into how I have been feeling the last week, than a personal reflection on the events, which will come later. I hope that you too, find encouragement and a peace of mind in these words no matter where you find yourself presently.

"Basically, service is about taking life personally, letting the livest that touch yours touch you. These days many people seem to think that being touched is a form of weakness, even if that life that touches you is your own. If you are under 30, the thing to be is "cool." But why would anyone want to be "cool"? Should I live to be very old, I expect I won't remember the times I was "cool" but will be warmed by the times when I cared passionately, risked everything to make a difference, and knew who I was.

Not only have we disconnected from life, but many have disconnected from each other as well. Such qualities such as self-reliance, self-determination, and self-sufficiency are so deeply admired amongst us that needing someone is often seen as a personal failing. A hundred years after the end of the frontier we still inhabit its culture. Self-sufficiency was critically important when you lived 100 hostile miles from your closest neighbor. But we are still living this way, 3000 to a city block. Needing others has come to require courage. Is it surprising that so many people are secretly lonely and afraid to grow old?

Perhaps it is this striving for excessive independence that is a weakness, that makes man of us so vulnerable to isolation, cynicism, and depression. It is doubtful that independence and individualism will enable us to live in the deepest and most fulfilling way. In order to live well, we may need to know and trust each other again. To touch and be touched by those around us. Service is the way that this world can heal. 


True service is not a relationship between an expert and a problem; it is far more genuine that. It is a relationship between people who can bring the full resources of their combined humanity to the table and share them generously. Service goes beyond expertise. Service is a way of life." --"Belonging"Rachel Naomi Remen. 






Cheers to:
1. Putting everything on the line to care passionately about children, co-teachers, and staff, that started out as strangers.
2. Learning to rely and lean on others, being willing to admit weakness, and seeing the beauty in the self-understanding this creates.
3. Accepting a lack of expertise, and understanding the necessity of a combined humanity to fulfill BIG goals and BIG expectations.